Amy Laughlin, Founder and Partner at Laughlin Legal Divorce & Family Law Group, a California high net worth and ultra high net worth divorce and child custody law firm, has handled quite a few child custody cases with a runaway child. Why do they do it? “Kids who run away from home during or after divorce are generally running away from conflict,” she explains. Below are Ms. Laughlin’s answers to a number of other questions she has heard over and over by concerned parents.
Q Have you ever worked with divorcing or divorced parents of a child running away?
I have. And one thing I consistently hear is that parents often don’t realize that nobody can force your teenage child to live with you. The police are not going to physically pick your child up and take him or her to the other parent. And when the child turns 14, the court must consider the desires of the child as to which parent they live with. They can’t choose until they’re 18 and court ordered custody ends, but at the age of 14, children can express their preference to the court. In a sense, they can participate and sometimes get their preferred custody schedule. The courts will also consider the wishes of a child younger than 14 if they have reasonable maturity.
Q Is it common for a just divorced couple to have a runaway child after the divorce? And what is the first thing I should do?
Yes. And in fact it’s sometimes differences in parenting style which leads to the divorce in the first place. During that divorce, children will sometimes identify with one parent more than another, especially older children. Or they’ll prefer one parent over another particularly for complex reasons.
With older children, my advice is always to work to repair the relationship. Provided there isn’t a safety issue with one parent or the other, in my view, you’re not going to fix it through filing motions. You’ll cause the child to entrench and dig in.
Instead, work with a therapist, examine yourself and ask why this is happening, and see if your child will join you in therapy, maybe some sort of reunification therapy. There are great people out there who do this work. But you must let the child come to you. There is no legal way to force them to love you, feel close to you, or spend time with you. As long as they’re safe with the other parent, it’s not a legal issue, it’s a therapeutic issue.
Q What sort of child custody issues after divorce often trigger a child to consider running away?
The runaways that come to my attention are frequently motivated by a custody ruling. They leave the home of one parent and typically go to the other because they don’t like being forced to spend time with a parent when the relationship is not good between the child and that parent.
The parent who remains in the family house post divorce has an advantage, because teens have their stuff, their friendships, their metaphoric container where they exist. And they’re reluctant to leave. So if you’re the parent who moves from San Mateo to Walnut Creek, there’s a very good chance your teen may not be interested in going to Walnut Creek.
Again, this only relates to teenagers. Younger kids don’t necessarily have a say.
Q I fear that my deep concern for my child’s safety after divorce when she’s with her father is why she keeps threatening to run away to his house. Can I prevent it from happening?
The short answer is, no. If her wishes have been consistent and she’s determined, you can’t stop her. There are legal things you can do but they’re not going to make things work better for you. You can get all the court orders in the world and it still won’t work. That’s not how you repair these relationships. What you need to do is identify a therapist and work directly on the relationship.
Q Does a child show that they’re experiencing parenting after divorce problems and are thinking of running away? How will I know?
Though occasionally they’re secretive, even teenage children generally broadcast their feelings. Their words and their behavior often betray their thoughts or their plans. For instance, they might begin to withdraw from family life, not participate in family movie night or games or things they used to enjoy. Their emotional state may begin shifting. They might become sad or depressed or angry. They might provoke you by doing or saying things they know will trigger you. And they might directly threaten to run away. As the parent, you need to view that as an opening, as an opportunity to begin a dialogue and work on the relationship.
Q Does a child running away from home have legal consequences of some nature?
In the family law context, the court will set a custody schedule but the schedule is made for the parents to follow. The court is not going to order the parents’ child to be in a certain place at a certain time. If the child runs away, running away is not considered a criminal or delinquent act. The child will not be arrested or face criminal charges unless there are criminal aspects like drug possession. Police may find and retain the child, and ask if the child feels safe at home before returning the child to a parent or legal guardian.
Q Is there a child custody lawyer when there’s a runaway child who specifically represents the child?
Yes. Again, in the family law context and not in the criminal law context, there’s minor’s counsel. Either the child, or their parent, or a judge can request that the child be appointed a lawyer to represent the child’s best interest. California Courts have an Online Self-Help Guide where you can find out more about appointing an attorney to represent a child.
Q Are runaway teen custody issues different from a younger runaway child after divorce?
Yes. A child younger than 14 will be automatically returned to their custodial parent and the child’s feelings about it won’t change that. Once a child reaches the age of 14, they may express their preference to live with one parent over another and the court will take the child’s wishes into consideration. But it’s not until the child is 18 and no longer a minor that the child can choose where they live.
In general, California courts approach cases of runaway children with the goal of reunifying the child with the parents.
Q I’m concerned that the custody rights after divorce are influencing my child’s behavior. Can I change our custody agreement after divorce?
Your custody agreement can be altered. However if you and your ex cannot agree on terms, it could be difficult. The parent who initiates the alteration may have to prove that something significant has changed since the drafting of the agreement and that the alteration is in the child’s best interest. Changes that qualify as significant include one parent relocating substantially farther away, the child’s safety, a schedule that no longer works for a parent or the child.
Q Is there a type of attorney that specializes in family law, child custody issues? What do you call it?
Most family law attorneys routinely handle standard child custody issues. But if you have a complex divorce or a child with special needs, or both, you should seek out an attorney with expertise in complex child custody and/or special needs child custody. Those are both areas of expertise for me and it’s very important that you hire someone who has a great deal of experience because complex contested custody alterations can be very costly and may not go your way. So do yourself and your child a favor and get your child custody agreement right the first time.
If you’re not sure who to talk to about your child custody issues after divorce, Laughlin Legal can help.
Laughlin Legal Divorce and Family Law Group is a collection of some of the most skilled child custody attorneys in Silicon Valley. Laughlin Legal is trusted throughout California for their ability to understand and secure their clients’ needs and values, and help divorcing parties and their children achieve a better outcome for a better tomorrow.
Call us at 650.343.3486 to schedule your first consultation. If you’d prefer, you can email us to set up your appointment. If we miss your call, we will respond promptly and call you back as soon as possible.
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